In Between

I wish I could insert the clip from Sesame Street just after my title... "in be-twee-en."

Everything seems on hold for me now. I feel stuck in limbo, unsure of when that state will change. I have a house, but in a different place than I'm living. I live in a nice house, but it isn't mine and I can't stay forever. Jeff is talking about going back to school. Sometime, don't know when or how serious he is. He is also talking about trying for a third child in a few months. I think I need more stability before I can go for that. Not that I'm opposed, just not ready. He asked me if would be sad if I didn't have a girl this time and I couldn't stop crying. I guess that means yes. I long to have the kind of relationship that I have with my mom. Can you have that with daughter's-in-law?

A regular schedule even haunts me. I don't have enough things planned to even use my calendar that I depended on in Texas. I have a regular playgroup on Tuesdays and, well, that's pretty much it. My favorite days are when my mom is off of work and we get to hang out with her. She plays so well with the boys and really enjoys them. She's understanding and kind. She knows it's hard for me and can comfort me with the right words and sometimes no words at all.

Jeff has no schedule. I have to ask him when we wake up everyday what time he is going to work. And that doesn't necessarily regulate when he comes home, though it's getting better. His job just changed within his company and I'm not really even sure what he does. He likes it though and is very excited about it. I'm glad for him and jealous that he has something to be excited about.

My most daunting choice in life right now is which side of town to live on. Why can't all of my friends and family build a little commune somewhere... right in the middle of the perfect school district with a perfect pediatrician next door and a good podiatrist. Definitely need an Arby's nearby and a Taco Bueno would be nice.

The worst part is that I can't decide until our house sells and even then I am trying to hold out as long as possible so that we can save up some money. And even worse than that I don't feel like it's entirely up to me... the whole reason we are here is a little whisper from the spirit saying that we are needed here. WHERE are we needed? HOW do find the patience to wait for the answer. I want to give my will to the Lord and I want to have CONTROL at the same time!

Every time we go and look at houses Jeff questions me about what I am willing to "settle for" in a house. I am so unexcited about "settling" for anything. I'm not saying that I need more than I believe we can afford... though I do have a nice long list of wants... I just don't believe in "settling." You just look until you find the one that is RIGHT and you feel good and happy and RIGHT about, right?

It would really help if Heavenly Father could shoot me an e-mail or something just to let me know what ward to look in... or even a stake. That would be good.

Maybe I'm needed right where I am and it will take a while before that need is filled. I'm a little scared of that reality because it extends my limbo. At the same time, I'm scared to move on and leave Granny and Papa's backyard where there is usually someone that comes home from work for dinner... even if it's not Jeff.

Kids

LINCOLN STORY: Just after church today I asked Lincoln what he learned about in Primary. He quickly responded, "bumble bees and birds." I wondered what "birds and bees" he'd learned about at age 3! : ) I know he doesn't always answer with what really happened as it is pretty much a given on any day that you ask him what he did he'll respond, "I went to the zoo!" He'll tell you all about which animals he saw, and which ones we didn't see and what they did. It makes for a pretty good story, even if we did only make it out to go to the bank.

WHAT JACKSON HAS TO SAY: Jackson is surprising me with how many words he is learning so quickly. This week we have been working on a lot of animal sounds. His favorite is still "quack," but can can also say, "Mmmm (moo) , baa and he makes an excellent oink." Yesterday he said, "ball." Today he said, "ganny, papa, and sarah!" Jeff said that when he was thirsty after eating a chocolate at church he went straight down the hall to find the water fountain and started pushing the button. Smart kid!