Saturday

I am in Oklahoma with my mom and my brother, no kids or spouses.  We are grateful to have amazing spouses taking care of our little guys at home. We were wanting some time to be together with just the three of us to be together, remember, go through some things and just cry.

I arrived first.  Mom and I had a very eventful and emotional Saturday. Both of us have had crazy sleep schedules since dad's passing, so we were both up at 4:30. We had an early breakfast snack, a Wal-mart trip, wrapped presents, did laundry, etc. all before our Ward Christmas Breakfast at 9.

It was wonderful (and emotional) to be with the loving people of the ward who gave jillions of hugs and kind words. Everyone is excited to have us returning and it is a warm, loving feeling of home there.

We had a little bit of time before our next appointment at noon, so we hit Kohl's and did a whole bunch of Christmas shopping.  We spent something like $150 and our receipt said that we "saved" over $350.  That cracked me up.

We also hit Sam's Club and timed things just right to get to the realtor's office a few minutes before noon.  Just before we arrived I got a very sweet (and emotional) call from my mother-in-law who had just read a book about a child with Asperger's. Her opinion is very important to me and it meant a lot to have her seeing what I see in Lincoln. She said that she doesn't believe in coincidences and there is a reason that she got this book right now. She also talked about helping all of the family understand what that means and what we can do to understand him better.

We hopped in the car with our realtor and visited about 8 houses. There were some crazy finds, like a random space off of the master and a ladder in the middle of the hallway that led to a loft room that you can't get to any other way. One had an apartment type space built right into it with an extra kitchen and living room and everything. Mom's not ready to move in with us quite yet, so we'll leave that for someone else!

We found two that we really liked. The last one I was especially excited about and ran around all giddy taking pictures. I called Jeff and tried to walk him through it over the phone (doesn't work too well!) I really like the idea of only having to move once.  We had decided to live in our old house for a while after our renters are done with it, but if there was the perfect house now, we might do that instead. 

Jeff has talked me back down on the house a bit and it is a good thing.  I really like the floorplan a lot, but if I were making the color and finish decisions it would like quite different.  When we've looked at houses in the past he has always wanted to spend less and just make do with less.  I'm always the one saying, "I don't want to settle" and we've found something that made us both happy. This time we are both wanting to spend less, but he is the one saying, "I don't want you to settle." He wants me to love everything about it, so we might just hold off for a bit and build one we'll love, love, love.  But not too too soon... we've got plenty of stuff to work through before we add the stress of building.

We went home and had some yummy chili and sat down to relax and watch a netflix movie that came in the mail that day. Neither of us had ever heard of it, so we were surprised that it had such big names in it, Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock. We weren't too far into it when we realized it was about a little boy with Asperger's whose dad had died in 9/11.  He was trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. Coincidence?

Before we could finish our movie it was time to go and pick up John from the airport. It feels so good to have all of us here, well, most of us. There is definitely a hole. 

The next day mom and I both fell asleep at 6:30pm, completely worn out from our Saturday.  Poor John was trying to get us to stay up talking and telling stories, but we were both physically unable to stay awake.

Therapy: a history

Although we have loved the people and places of Wisconsin, the cooler weather and the lack of allergy problems, life has been hard for me there. I've struggled with vitamin D deficiency, depression, lethargy, hormonal issues, etc.  In an effort to help me with those things Jeff worked really hard at getting me set up with doctors and a therapist. I'm so grateful that as soon as he realized what was happening with me he fought to get me back. We both new something was off, but it took a while to put a finger on exactly what that was. We met (together) with multiple doctors until we found a good and helpful one.  I tried several medications that only made things worse and eventually found something that helped a great deal. I had met with the therapist twice before that medication and then I had the following sessions, all two weeks apart:

session 3:  I'm doing great. I found something that is helping me and I feel really good.  I think this is just what I needed.  We talked about some ways to feel more connected to people and to understand why I was having anxiety.

session 4: My son is about to have a major operation. We left everything else behind and talked about how scary that is and how blessed we were to know that he needed it and that we were in Wisconsin with this amazing surgeon.

session 5: My father passed away. She saw that Jeff had come in with me and was so worried that it we had lost our son. We left everything behind and talked about dad.

session 6: We are moving. Jeff is in the process of getting a new job in Oklahoma so that we can be back with family. This will be good for everyone, the kids are thrilled. It's still stressful.

session 7: I just me with my son's teacher and hour ago and she brought up some major concerns. From the list of things I described she suggested we have him tested for Aspergers.  We left everything else behind and talked about how it might be really helpful to have a diagnosis so that we can have the help that we need. My goal was not to have any big news for her the next time we met.

session 8: I don't think I have anything new - yeah! We did make a very last minute trip to Oklahoma and have started looking at houses.  We are talking about building. We can talk a little bit about all of the things from past sessions... there is plenty to talk about.  My goal was not to have any big news for her the next time we met.


I'm so grateful that I had all of my own world set up to handle all that has come our way in the last few months.  I'm not sure I could have managed without having the help from doctors, a therapist, loving friends and family and of course the knowledge and many reassurances that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me.

Three boys on a bear

One night, just before Jeff and I were heading out for a date, the boys said, "mom - take our picture - all together!"  I don't think that has ever happened, so I had to do it, even though Jackson had food all over his face and Harrison is covered in smudged marker.

The first pose

Jackson starts in with his newest crazy face that he makes when I get the camera out.

Everyone else joins in for crazy face.

Now look scared.

Now super excited like you're on a roller coaster.

Ninja shot.

Now look reverent.

And one more for good measure.  I love my boys!!!

11 Year Anniversary

 

Today is our 11th Anniversary, so we loaded up the family for a day of fun. 

We hopped on the train

and went to Chicago

to see the awesome Shedd Aquarium.As we were waiting in line to get in Lincoln said, "why are we here?  I don't want to just look at fish all day, that sounds so boring."  He quickly changed his tune once he saw how great it was. He started teaching Harrison about everything.  He would make sure to point interesting things out to him and guided him around.  It was very sweet.  This is a role that Jackson often takes, but it was fun to see Lincoln doing that too.

We found Nemo and his dad. 

and pretended to be penguins.

We saw some amazing jellyfish (I LOVE how these pics turned out!)

and dolphins, and beluga whales and sea otters and lots of other things that wouldn't photograph well without a flash.

For some reason the guy who was exchanging our Groupon felt generous and gave us free tickets to a 4D shortened version (15 min) of the Polar Express.  It was very cool.  It looked like it was really snowing and we were sprayed with cold water when the ice came our way.  We smelled the hot chocolate, etc. He also gave us tickets to the live animal show.  We got there early and got a front row seat.  Harrison slept through the whole thing.

A penguin walked right in front of us.

We finished off the day with a visit to a German Weihnachtsmarkt downtown. It was CRAZY crowded, but I was impressed with how well they mimicked the real thing.  I was excited to see that they had Gluewein - not because I've ever tried it, but because I LOVE the smell of it.  The smell there wasn't quite the same, but it was fun to bring back some memories.  It was not fun to be squished beyond belief and not even able to walk.  The kids were not impressed.  We told them that we did a lot of things for them, but this was for me and they could deal with it! They liked it better once we got some food in their tummies.

Thanks for a super fun day and for 11 amazing years Jeff!

Architecture

Knowing that we are moving back to Oklahoma in a short while (did I mention that? well, we are) I wanted to get a few things scratched off of the Wisconsin list.  The most important being to visit and tour a Frank Lloyd Wright house.  I'm a big fan. Jeff scheduled a day for us to head to Chicago and we got to go to the house that he lived in early in his career.  He had six kids there and added onto the home to make more space and then added on again to include his studio so that he could be closer to his family. I knew that I would enjoy it, but I was more than impressed with this place and all of the things that I learned about him.

We have been talking a bit about building our own home when we move and my mind was racing with ideas before this trip... now I have a headache with all of the ideas flowing!  We also visited a HUGE mall type place where the whole lower level was full of fancy shops selling home design.  I found my dream kitchen - it looks a little something like this:

Jeff did a little investigating for me.  To have the kind of fridge that makes this work costs about $8000... for just the fridge.  So, maybe my dream kitchen will remain a dream.

Also on this trip we have been able to discuss and read about some new things we are learning about Lincoln.  I had a parent/teacher conference on Thursday and she talked about him with words that concerned me.  She used words like obsessive and compulsive.  He is doing great academically, but she seemed very concerned about his transition into a new school.  I have known for a long time that he has some real issues, but had sort of categorized them into quirky, funny even.... but now I think we might be beginning to learn that it is something more, perhaps (and we are fairly certain, but haven't tested yet) Asperger's.   As we've been reading about it and reading stories from other families I feel like I'm reading my own story.  I'm grateful to know that there might be some help for a lot of the struggles that we have with him. His brain just isn't wired the same way mine is and I so often just don't understand where he is coming from.  I am eager to learn more.  He has an apointment in about a week.

A Series of Crappy Events

It has been too long since I've posted a day like this.  I think when Lincoln and Jackson were little these were much more common.

I woke up with the runs.  I know you don't want to know that.  I don't want to tell you that either, but the story wouldn't be complete without it.

Jackson came downstairs around 7am.  He was upset because he remembered that he hadn't done his homework. He was still really sleepy looking, so I volunteered to get it for him and bring it to him on the couch.  He told me that it was on the table and I found it there.  He worked diligently on it, finishing the whole packet.  When he finished he turned to the front page and realized that it was an old one.  One that was supposed to be turned in while we were in Oklahoma.  He was very mad at me for giving him the wrong one and refused to do any more homework in the right packet.  He threw a huge fit.

In all of this mess, I forgot to give Lincoln his medicine until about 45 minutes late (not good for making it out the door on time!)  Harrison woke up about this time.  He asked me if he could be a monkey.  Eventually I figured out that meant that he wanted a banana.  He stuffed the banana into his mouth too quickly, choked on it and promptly threw up.

Jeff was trying to patiently take care of Jackson's tantrum when he realized that the couch was wet.  Jackson's pull up had leaked all over.  He sent him up for a shower.

Lincoln did a great job of getting dressed on his own and I had seen him with socks in his hands.  I was impressed that he was on track for a good morning and worried about getting everyone else ready.

Jackson still refused to do his homework and refused to go to school if it wasn't done.  He was sure that it was my responsibility to complete his handwriting practice as I had mistakenly given him the wrong packet.  The bus was long gone and we were getting close to late for parent drop off.

I decided to just take Lincoln.  I got Harrison dressed and put him in the car while Lincoln got his shoes on.  He could only find one.  We got a different pair.  His backpack and coat were missing.  Harrison is still strapped in the car and is now crying and demanding that he stay home from school today too.

In my search for the coat and backpack I used the S word.  It is a strong word that I NEVER use, but this morning did in fact SUCK.  I found the items in the basement and we were on our way.  Late, but there.

Next I dropped off Harrison. He had taken off his shoes and socks and I could only find one shoe again. I asked him where the other one was and he said, "home."  He had thrown it out of the car while waiting for Lincoln.  I sent him to school in snow boots.  He thought that was awesome.

I got back home to find Jackson relaxed and finishing up his homework.  He had finally calmed down, but the thought of being late to school seemed worse to him than missing completely.  Jeff had told him that if he stayed home he would have to stay in his room and do worksheets all day - no recess, pj&j for lunch and more worksheets until everyone else got home.  It wasn't that hard to convince him to go late.  After a little bit more shoe drama (I had sent Lincoln to school in the ones he has been wearing lately), we made it out the door.  My morning that usually exhausts me by 8 had taken until 10 and I had plenty of bodily fluid stories to prove it... and they weren't the hardest part.

Good Moments of the Last Few Weeks

The kids with the giant bear from Granny and their new ninja weapons.  We'll save them for a birthday party or something.  The "Haunted Ninja Training Grounds" party had to be postponed.

Jackson got to play co-pilot on our flight to OKC.

I finally got to meet my nephew Alex (so in love with him!)

Adorable cowboy

We went trick or treating last night in our friend's neighborhood.  Our city does it Sundays, so we joined them, 10 minutes away in a different city for trick or treating that actually happens on Halloween!

Dad's Funeral

 

We had my dad's Memorial Service at the church that he loves.  He started going to the Church of the Servant when his parents lived in OKC and has felt at home there ever since. They have a beautiful chapel there full of plant life and it was a lovely setting.  I remembered once attending a funeral where they had laid out tissues all through the chapel and I thought that it was so considerate.  We sort of did the same, having baskets of tissues available as you walked in.  For me it wasn't necessary. It truly was more of a celebration of his life and a comfort that he continues to live.  He has returned to our heavenly home and feels more peace than we ever know in this earthly realm. I have never needed to know this more than I have this week and I feel such an assurance that it is real.

My brother John amazed all of us with his willingness to stand and give the eulogy himself.  His experience as a writer is mostly comedic and that certainly helped us in holding back the tears. I have had several requests for a written transcription of that eulogy, so with his permission I am including it here.

*****************************

My father was found with the outdoor faucet running, a squeegee in place, and a bucket full of soap suds. He wanted to surprise Mom by taking care of a bunch of projects around the house while she was away in Wisconsin. He didn’t quite have the chance to finish up washing the windows, but his death was perfectly symbolic of his life, always taking care of the people around him. His life philosophy was a simple one, which he recited to us kids too many times to count. “Do unto others as you would have done to you.” I hope that his example of selfless treatment of his fellow man can be a legacy that we can can all carry with us.

I know I will carry with me fond memories of a great man. Yes, a great man, indeed, but not a man without issues. Dad was a man who liked to be in control of the situation. Most of the time that worked out pretty well for all involved, but it only became clear to us, just how fundamentally important to his being it was, once we arrived a bit unprepared on a family trip to Europe.

Under the assumption that everyone in Europe speaks enough English to get along, we headed off to small town Italy, to meet a missionary friend. We were only going to be on our own for two days in Italy, but Mom had the forethought to buy a “Lean Italian Quick” book. Dad didn’t need to bother with reading it, because he always just sort of knew how to deal with every situation that came along.

Mom and I learned all we could from the book, which was grazi, prego, uno, due, tre, and, quattro. We found a small restaurant in Parma, and decided that a town named after cheese would probably have good Italian food. We managed to get a table and ordered quattro glasses of water. The waiter asked “Con gas?”, and Dad proudly answered “Si, Qauttro!”. With a bit of a confused expression the waiter asked again, “Con gas?”, to which Dad explained slowly and clearly, that we need “Quattro”. The waiter shook his head and decided that the Americans would just have to live with his own decision about the carbonation. Dad always imagined the waiter telling his friends about the family that insisted on exactly 4 bubbles in their water.

After we finished our meal, we headed off to Modena, to meet our missionary friend. We had decided to meet at the main train station of the town, so now we just needed to ask some locals where that was. Mom and I looked it up in her book, and we practiced and practiced, “Dove Stazione Treno?”, “Dove Stazione Treno?”. Dad would pull up beside people on the street, and we would ask “Dove Stazione Treno?”, and then they would tell us. Unfortunately, we weren’t prepared for the fact that they would answer in Italian. But we found that many Italians would at least point while they explained, so we just had to ask often enough, and we finally made it.

The missionary assisted us in finding a hotel room for our one night, which unfortunately cost more than the rest of the trip combined, because Modena happens to be the hometown of Lucciano Pavorati, who happened to be throwing a big concert that night with Eric Clapton, and dozens of other major stars. We got to go the concert, but we were all exhausted by end of 24 hours of flying and then navigating Italy. We woke up the next day and packed up for our easy drive up to Switzerland to visit Dad’s foreign exchange brother Christian. As we were about to depart, Dad panicked as he made the discovery that he had lost all of our passports. We tore our luggage and the hotel room apart, as we desperately searched for our documents. I remember thinking, how am I going to find work in Italy as an undocumented alien, who can only say “Dove Stazione treno?”

Finally we gave up the search and Dad checked us out of the hotel. We were a bit relieved when the hotel clerk handed him all four of our passports back, since it is not uncommon in Europe, that the hotel keeps some collateral. That little episode set the tone for the day, though.

The first task in getting to Switzerland was to get gas into the car. A simple task for a car guy, and Dad was a car guy. Dad loved his cars so much that when he had to trade in the BMW for a minivan, he pulled off the blue and white emblem and, lucky enough, it popped right into place over star on the hood of the van. Mostly we got confused stares driving around town, but Dad’s favorite story to recount was when one guy asked if he could check out the interior and then exclaimed, “wow, this looks just like the Chrysler model!”

So Dad the car guy pulls our rental Ford into the Italian gas station, and he searches for the gas cap release button. After a few minutes of searching the cockpit, he decides in Italy they must put it in the trunk of the car. At this point, from the passenger seat, Mom sees a lever with a gas symbol and pulls it, and asks, did that do it?. Confidently, Dad says, “No, I found it, they put it in the trunk in Italy”. Getting access to the gas tank was a great accomplishment, but then Dad discovered that there was no way to pay at the pump and the station seemed closed. So on we went to the next gas station, where Dad struggled a long time in the trunk before he had to admit that maybe Mom had found the button to the tank in a more reasonable place.

With a full tank of gas, and a wallet full a Lira it was time to call the Swiss brother to let him know that we’re on our way. Unfortunately Dad hung up on his Swiss brother so many times from the pay phone, that we weren’t sure if we would have enough money to pay for the highway toll. It turns out, Dad thought the European ringing tone was a busy signal, so his poor confused Swiss brother was wondering why all day long someone would call, and hang up before he could answer.

Somehow Dad managed to find a building along the highway where he figured he could ask if we had enough Lira to make it to Switzerland. We waited in the car as he struggled to get in the door. Dad could tell that the office was open, because he heard talking from within, so he tried every way he could imagine to get through those doors. Finally, after at least ten minutes of struggling, a head popped through an open window that said, “PUSH”.

Dad went in and came back out and let us know that we did not have enough money, but that it was important for us to know, that in America, public doors always open to the outside, which is critical for fire safety.

That was our favorite experience for all four of us. Watching Dad totally out of his element. Dad somehow not knowing how to care of everything. We just didn’t get to experience that ever before or ever again, and we have laughed about it since, but at that moment it, it was terrifying for the family. Suddenly, the guy we relied on for everything couldn’t be relied on for anything.

There were a few other times when Dad didn’t quite do the right thing. I know I’ll never forget being a small child on a white water rafting trip, leaning backwards over the edge to look for fish, when Dad’s hand reached out to pull me back inward to safety, but instead on accident (sorry Dad, accidently) pushed me into the frigid Colorado river. The river guide yelled for me to get my feet up and point them down stream. The situation wasn’t great, but it was made much worse for that poor river guide when Dad jumped right into the river to save me.

And I know Dad wasn’t supposed to fly out to Utah just to spend a few minutes with Christine in the airport before she flew off to Germany for a mission.

And I know Mom would say, you are not supposed to talk on the cell phone while driving with your whole family in car. And when your second cell phone rings, you certainly shouldn’t answer that one and start steering with your elbows.

Dad could remember every meal at every restaurant he ever ate, but he did end up renting the same movies back to back sometimes, because he would forget that we had seen them the week before. He could also remember every sign along the highway, so he won every single game of alphabet on trips to Dallas. He would even tell us ahead of time, gonna pick up my Q in Gainesville, and my Z in Denton.

And Dad shouldn’t have told us that his little computer projects for clients that happened to be on the way were just going to take 10 minutes. We got stuck in boring offices for hours and hours waiting for 10 minute projects, but Dad was always there for us. It was a bit embarrassing for me in high school, when Dad would show up to every little indoor soccer game I had. And when I started playing again at age 30, it was a little bit ridiculous for him to show up to all of those games, too. But that’s the kind of guy Dad was. He was always there for us.

And when Dad went to pick up Mom for their first date, he probably should have found a car that actually had a passenger seat. Since the passenger seat from his Triumph Herald was out for repair, Dad offered her the option of sitting next to him on a blanket on the floorboard, or in the backseat. She chose the spot on the floor next to him, so that’s when he knew she was the one.

Dad says Mom’s dad wasn’t convinced, though, that he was the one. That’s why Grandpa gave him a job running the computer at the insurance company, on the night shift. Although Grandpa’s efforts to make this romance too inconvenient to be viable, it did give Dad an entry into the computer business, which he remained in for the rest of his life. In fact, he was quite shocked when he visited the computer museum to see that he had worked at some point in time on every single model in the place.

When Mom and Dad got married, he didn’t have any money, but he worked really hard to clean up the basement apartment in the women’s club where he was the caretaker. He removed the murphy bed, and created a proper bedroom in the closet with a mattress that touched only three of the four walls, and he lovingly spray painted the shower pea green. He worked very hard to get everything just right for his beautiful bride.

Dad always told the same jokes, over and over, and for some reason, he always laughed out loud when delivering the punch line, as if he’d never heard the joke before. Although his frequent puns were truly awful, he did tell one story that always put a smile to my face. During college, Dad found the time between working 7 different jobs to volunteer to counsel students in the High School Equivalency Program. The students were the children of migrant farm workers that had dropped out to help out in the fields. When Christmas time rolled around, he decided that they should have the chance to go home to their families, which meant he drove them from Nebraska and dropped them off at their homes throughout the country from California to Southern Texas. Somewhere along the way, one of the students yelled out to him GreenGo! Startled by this, Dad stood up turned around and yelled back, “what did you call me?!” To which the student replied, “The traffic light is green, go!”

Dad always worked hard for everyone around him. He always said that anything worth doing, is worth doing right. And that is what he did. When I think about the physical struggles of a man who had severely burned his leg as a small child, was hit by a car on his bike, had a metal rod in his femur after a car accident, and had his leg crushed by a 9 foot glass wall, I can’t remember him once complaining.

Dad, you were a model of how a good man should be, and I’m so proud to be your son.

*****************************

That last line was the hardest for him.

Dad's long time friend and the patriarch of our stake, Ken Hutto, also spoke and shared the plan of salvation.  He did such a lovely job. Our friend Susan Poston sang "How Great Thou Art," accompanied by Zach Tanner. The pastor also said comforting and welcome words.

As I was greeted afterward by so many dear friends I couldn't help but actually have fun.  There were many tears shed as we shared our great loss together, but also great joy in seeing loved ones that we haven't seen in such a long time. 

Seeing His Hand in All Things

The day Harrison came home from the hospital I felt a real urgency to be at church. I didn't care who came with me, but I had to be there and I had to have the sacrament.  I couldn't be late. I left the hospital a little bit before everyone else so that I could shower and get ready.  They ended up getting home just in time to leave for church, but no one else was ready.  Mom threw on a dress and went with me, just the two of us. I hadn't realized that it was fast and testimony meeting because of general conference the week before (a blessing in it's own right - what a way to bring peace to us as we awaited Harrison's surgery).

I felt an immediate desire to share the abundant blessings and feelings of comfort that we had experienced during the week at the hospital. A missionary from Norway spoke of how the man who had baptized him during his mission in Norway 9 years ago was here today as a complete "coincidence." Brother Treter said that he had felt strongly that he was supposed to speak to us about how God shows His love. He didn't feel that he really needed to because all of the testimonies thus far were already doing that, yet he felt strongly that he still needed to repeat it and say it in his words.  He talked about how as people we give love notes to our spouses and children to show them that we care. We call them often and we give gifts. He said that Heavenly Father does the same thing, but he does it with "plausible deniability."  You KNOW that they are gifts from him, but you can't PROVE it. He sends his love in many ways, including the words and deeds of others and the circumstances that we find ourselves in.  A week and a half later I have begun to count the abundance of these occurences in my life during the most difficult challenge I've ever faced: losing my dad.



Harrison had been doing so well (1), that my mom said, "well, you really don't need me anymore." We talked about arranging for her to go home sooner, but decided we would just enjoy the last week together the way we had originally planned.  She had been scheduled to fly out and see us this week before we knew about Harrison's condition.  She was so excited because she was finally able to train someone new at work to do her job for her while she was away.  For years when she travelled or took any time off she continued to worry about her job because she still had to take care of everything that happened while she was gone when she got back.  What a blessing for her to leave work behind and know that someone else could do it. (2)

During the surgery and recovery I talked to my dad every day and kept him updated.  We had the sweet conversations that you only have during difficult times like these. (3) Sometimes all you can say is how much you love one another and how you are constantly in one another's thoughts and prayers. Mom talked to him every day that she was away. On Saturday night she mentioned that he wasn't answering his phone or the home phone.  She was a little concerned, but could think of lots of reasons why that would happen. 

We had a good night's sleep, had breakfast and a really fun morning with the boys (4) and called again. When he didn't answer once again real concern began. Mom first called the neighbor to go over and check on him.  He wasn't feeling well and she didn't want to bother him.  It was just a few minutes before 9:00 on Sunday morning, so most of her closest friends were on their way to church together.  I remembered a conversation with my friend Marna in July (5).  She had specifically given me her mom's number for times like this when we just needed someone local to be there for my parents. We called her and she was so loving and willing.  She wanted to get ready for the day first. In the meantime Jeff thought about someone from the church that he could still contact via text message and texted our old bishop, who quickly left church and headed over.  As we waited to know what was happening we talked about how we felt.  Both of us are very sensitive to knowing deep inside when there is something amiss.  We both felt worried, but at peace that he was ok. (6)

The next call we had was from the police.  What a shock it was to hear that he had passed.

I couldn't believe how well my mom was holding up during that call.  It just seemed so long and they seemed to be asking her the most insignificant things.  She kept her calm and described to them where they could find his medications and who his doctor was and blah, blah, blah...  please leave her alone she just learned that her husband died. We did learn then that he was just sitting on the couch sleeping.  He had the remote in one hand and his phone was there on his leg.  If he had needed help he could have called, but he didn't even move enough for his phone to fall.  He looked peaceful and comfortable. What a comfort this has been to us. (7)

We knew that we had to start letting family members know.  I offered to make phone calls, but mom wanted to do it herself. Jeff started working on finding flights for us to get home.  He found one that would get us back in the early evening and started to book it.  We would leave in 15 minutes.  We would take Harrison.  I threw my suitcase together.  Mom was pretty well packed already, having been living out of a suitcase for two weeks and keeping up with laundry, etc. The flight ended up being sold out. (8) As we tried to find another way to get there mom made more phone calls.  She called dad's boss to let him know what happened.  She mentioned that we were having trouble getting back and he said to give him 30 minutes and he would have a private plane scheduled to come and get us. (9) Because we had called Marna's mom, she was quickly informed and called me.  (10) She has been through this before and knew just what I was experiencing.  We cried together and it was so comforting to hear her voice. She loved my dad like a second father too, so I know that she is feeling much of the same things that I am.

Looking back, as difficult as it was to be so far away, we are so grateful that we were together. (11) I'm glad that mom didn't have to find him and then wait hours and hours for a family member to be there with her (12).  We held each other and cried and pulled ourselves together to take care of things.  She kept saying that it hasn't hit her yet... and I am still in awe at how well she could function and make those phone calls.

We didn't have to go through security. (13) Jeff and the boys sat with us, the only people in the waiting room. (14) Our flight took just two hours and twenty minutes. (15) The pilot was so kind to us and even let Jackson sit up front with him in the cockpit and wear the headphones. It was even a little fun. (16) The plane landed at the airport that is right across from mom's neighborhood (17) and her bishop picked us up.  He brought us back to the house where he gave us both beautiful blessings. (18) My brother John and his family arrived within 30 minutes and we were all together. (19)

The house was immaculate.  We learned over the course of the next few days that dad had been working on a lot of projects around the house to surprise mom when she got back a week later. The bushes were all trimmed, he had the base boards painted, he had the wallpaper removed, textured and painted the bathroom they'd talked about improving for years. He had been washing the windows that Saturday.  The only thing out of place in the house was a squeegee on the kitchen counter. (20) The window washing gear was outside in the backyard and he had left the hose running.  We think he must have gotten tired and sat down to take a break, falling asleep there.

 There are so many things in our recent history that I can count as blessings and this post is getting way too long.  As the days pass I see more and more the way the Lord has prepared us for this time. I won't continue to count them, but there are so many things that His hand has touched. I'm so grateful for the last few years that my parents had together, how they had worked out nearly all of their challenges and were truly enjoying one another. I think of the way that dad always said that he wanted to go, "dying in his boots." He did just that, not having to spend a moment in the hospital and having worked until his last breath.

Home!

Just yesterday Harrison still had a chest tube, an epidural, a catheter, and two IV's attached to him.  He had his chest tube and epidural removed yesterday morning and by this morning at 10am he was totally tube free and ready to head out the door.  I am astounded to see him running around the house as if nothing has happened already.  He is walking up and down the stairs and acting like his regular old self!

The surgeon said to Jeff that he was really impressed with how speedily he recovered.  He said that an adult with the same procedure wouldn't even be getting out of bed for about two weeks.  Here he is back home less than 5 days later!

We are truly counting our blessings and acknowledging the hand of the Lord in all that we have seen come to pass in the past few weeks.

Big Progress!

Harrison had his chest tube and epidural removed today. He has one more tube that will be removed in about an hour and he will be tube free. Yeah! He may even get to go home tomorrow.

No More Bed!

Harrison got up for a walk reluctantly this morning. He liked the idea of getting out of the room, but not the idea of walking. He begged to be carried. With a little convincing we were on our way down the hall to the play room. He walked great, perked right up and hasn't wanted to get back in bed since.

He took a ride in the stroller to get an X-ray and is enjoying some building blocks. We're gonna have a tough time convincing him to get back in bed.

Recovering Well

Harrison is improving each day.  He is still in a lot of pain, but they are taking good care of him.  He slept great last night, waking only when they came in to do those annoying middle of the night checks.  He cries out in his sleep sometimes, but when you go to check on him he is back to sleeping soundly.  Jeff said that the first night he cried out, "Jackson take iPad" in his sleep.  His brothers are still bugging him!  :)

The boys got to come up to the hospital yesterday evening and see him.  Jackson kept trying to sneak sips of a smoothie that I ordered for him.  Harrison hadn't wanted anything to do with it until Jackson attempted to take some.  He really liked it after that.

He has been up and walking a few times.  It takes a lot of effort for him and he is a little scared, but after today's walk he was the happiest he has been yet. He really seemed almost back to himself for a little while.  He was laughing and playful.  He made us all really laugh when I told him that he could take the yellow sippy cup home with him... he responded with an amazed, "Hooooly cow!"  He's never said that before.  So funny.

Surgery

Waiting and waiting some more was our motto for the week.  Knowing that Harrison was having surgery for those few days and that he was in surgery was difficult.  I also felt the prayers of so, so many and felt strengthened by the Lord. I felt strongly that we are in the right place for him and that we were placed here for this reason.  His surgeon is in the top 1% of the nation for this specialty.  People come to this hospital from all around for unusual cases and he described ours as "unusual among the unusual." We have been here long enough to establish a strong support group and have had more offers to help that we can use.  We are blessed.

The surgery lasted just over 4 hours and the surgeon was able to remove at least 50% of the mass.  When I first heard that number, I was pretty disappointed.  He left quite a bit of tissue that was located in any area where there is risk of causing damage to functioning, healthy body parts. There were two surgeons who painstakingly worked at removing what they could.  On his scans they thought that it was one large mass that they could drain, but once they actually got in there, they found that there was much more solid tissue.  It was formed more like a mound of grapes with just a thimble full of fluid in each sac.  We were reassured once again that it was a lymphatic malformation, which means that it is benign and not causing any problems other than being there when it shouldn't.

Even before going in the surgeon had decided not to remove the area of the tumor that is on his neck because of all of the nerves and vessels that could be damaged by going into that area.  I mentioned that we had noticed his pupils being different sizes on occasion (we had him seen for that in January and everyone seemed to think it was ok as long as they were functioning - it returned to normal).  He said that it was definitely related and that if they had seen that they would have immediately done a chest x-ray to see if there was something in his upper chest/neck area.

One of my main concerns was recurrence. The surgeon said that we would be monitoring him for some time.  He will have scans again in 3-6 months and we will have to determine if anything else needs to be done.  The hope is that it will not.  He seemed fairly confident that it will not grow back enough to merit further surgeries.  That is very reassuring.

I was amazed at how alert he was when we finally got to see him.  He asked for some milk.  He looked so sleepy.  I felt bad that everyone was poking and prodding on him and moving his bed to his new room.  I just wanted to let him rest.  He kept trying to get up.  I was expecting the nurses to encourage him to be still. Instead they said that he could get up as soon as he could get up!  I was pretty surprised to hear that just an hour and a half after this major surgery.  He hung tight to my finger as we got him set up in his hospital room. Jeff encouraged me to go home and get some rest and it broke my heart to do so as he reached for me with what strength he had. Jeff distracted him with SuperWhy and I snuck out.

Of course I am up now, since 4:30, unable to get back to sleep and I would be in my car on the way back if it weren't for the two sleeping boys that need to see their mama too.

Food Funnies

I usually try to use fresh fruits and vegetables and rarely buy canned.  We had to laugh recently when the kids got so excited about a few things that we did buy canned.  Jackson said, "Wow Dad!  You made these peaches just like the ones at school!"  

We found that everyone was very excited about canned peaches.  Who knew?

They also liked the canned green beans much better than the (much yummier) way that we usually make them.  

I walked out of the room long enough to go to the bathroom and found that Harrison had decorated both of his legs with ketchup.  He had already been dressed for church and I had taken off his white shirt before lunch.  I guess I'm grateful that the pants ended up off too!  It made me laugh that he still used the ketchup to dip his food after it was on his leg.

One more story that I wanted to record, which is a little bit food related, happened when I told Lincoln that Harrison was going to be having surgery and be in the hospital for a while.  He said, "Mom, if it is for Harrison, I would even do that thing where you don't eat (you mean fasting?  yes) for 18 days.  If it were for you I would do 19."

And another story that isn't at all food related:  I was helping Harrison choose a Sesame Street character on the internet for a coloring page.  I asked him, "Harrison, who is your favorite person?"  I was expecting "Elmo," but he said instead, "Mom."  (awww)

Amnesia for a day

"What did you do today Harrison?"

"Played toys, school"

I'm so grateful that Harrison has no memory of yesterday's events.  We started our morning with no breakfast, doctor's orders.  He didn't understand why it was ok for everyone else to have something and he could only have apple juice.  He begged for a snack, so I took him to Target to buy him a breakfast popsicle.  Surely that counts as a "clear liquid, preferably high caloric."  

I tried to distract him from his hungry tummy by taking him to the "brand new" park, new to us anyway.  It worked until we discovered that it was all wet from the morning dew.  We headed back home to wait out our next hour watching his newly discovered Toy Story movie.  

Finally, the time came and we drove over to the imaging center to have his MRI.  Before we even got an IV in I got a call.  "This is Dr. Aikin, Harrison's surgeon."

Surgeon?

I remember a few things that he said, "we will definitely have to operate" and "come over here as soon as he wakes up after the MRI" and "I was so surprised when I saw his scans" and "it is just so big"

I had the sense before this phone call that it was a small cyst - that it could possibly be drained with the poke of a needle.  This all came as a shock to me.  I tried to hold myself together as they began inserting the IV (wonderfully easy after a quick burst of lidocaine through a tube with no needle).  The sweet nurses told me that he would be giggly at first and he was oh, so cute and giggly for a few moments until the medication quickly zoned him out.  He fought it at first trying to lift himself up without the strength to even lift his head and then he was quiet.

I chose not to go into the MRI room with him.  I had so much to take in and phone calls to make and they assured me that it would be loud, scary and boring in there.  

I talked to Jeff, who had reluctantly driven to Chicago that morning to keep a previous appointment.  I told him all of the things that the surgeon had said and we began to make arrangements for immediate surgery.  It sounded that urgent.  The nurses all thought it was that urgent, phone calls were made to the surgery clinic and they asked us to be prepared to be admitted right after our consultation.

Jeff called our friend Rosemary to come and sit with me.  She was there in no time and helped me so much through the next few hours.  She has been an angel for me in so many ways.  I tried to make sense of everything in my head and let family know what was happening.  I waited a long time to call my dad because I didn't want to cry. I practiced telling other people first: Rosemary, the school, the nurses.

The MRI lasted about an hour and Harrison was back in the room with us, quietly sleeping.  He had done great and the images were clear. We sat with him while he slept for another hour or so and continued to make plans. The nurses had told us that the kids wake up a lot happier if they are allowed to wake up on their own.  They didn't wait that long though.  They kept the IV in, expecting that he would need it at the hospital, woke him and sent us on our way as quickly as possible.  He was not happy. For hours.

Rosemary drove me to the hospital - I should mention that she was also tending a baby through all of this, holding her through naps and trying to keep her comfortable in a hospital room.  I was so grateful that I didn't have to drive.  I could barely use my phone.  I was calm, but not that functional!  Harrison cried all the way there and then fought a mean fight the entire time we were at the hospital.  He hadn't come out of the medication and was not at all himself.  He wasn't capable of sitting, walking or even laying down so we just took turns trying to hold him while he screamed and tried to get away.

Jeff arrived just as we were settling in and answering questions with the nurse (a wonderfully patient and kind woman). It was a great comfort to have him there again and shortly after he arrived the elders came to give Harrison a blessing.  I think they were a little shocked to see him as he was.  The blessing was short and sweet and they were on their way again.  Harrison quieted briefly afterward and a nurse took him away again still screaming and begging to be out and away from doctors.

In no time the surgeon arrived to explain the situation.  He gave us some basic anatomy lessons, drawing diagrams on the paper on the bed.  He talked about how there are so many different things that our bodies have to develop and that is is common for something to go wrong.  For Harrison it is a malformation of lymphatic system.  He has what he described as a filled water balloon taking up a large portion of his chest cavity.

He took us to a computer to see the scans that had been taken.  We saw slices of his body starting at his teeth.  As he scrolled down, one slice at a time you could see his air passageway and his shoulder bones and his lungs.  He pointed out on the scan where the right lung was, which was normal.  Then he showed us the left side and it looked nothing like the other side.  When he pointed out the growth I was shocked to see how large it is.  The left lung was so tiny in comparison to the right.  He showed us how there was a major vein or artery going right through the center of the growth and talked about how amazing it is that nothing is being squished to the point that he has symptoms.  He was in awe that he is asymptomatic.

He gave us an opportunity to ask questions and there were very few things that I could think of as I wrapped my mind around all of this.  I wanted to know how they were going in (from the side of his chest) and are we doing this today? "oh, heavens no."

Jeff wanted to ask as politely as he could if he was the most qualified doctor to do this.  We were assured again and again that the doctors in the surgical group were all top notch and we were in good hands.  He noted several times that this is the place where people from all around send unusual cases like ours. I checked his credentials online after I got home and he was listed in the top 1% of doctors in his specialty.  It makes me wonder if this is why we're in Wisconsin.

So we were sent home quite unexpectedly and told to act as usual until further notice.  He fell back asleep on the way home and slept and slept until we woke him up to eat something around 8pm.  He was cheerful and hungry and a little over medicated.  I've never seen a drunken baby, but I imagine that is what one looks like.  He was very talkative and way too wobbly to walk, though he kept trying.

They will call us to schedule the surgery and he can go to school as usual and woke up this morning not knowing that today was any different from any other day.

I asked him again this morning, "Harrison, what did you do yesterday?"

"Play toys, school"

Uckle Joe Came!

 We were so excited to have Uckle Joe (Harrison's words) come and stay with us for a few days.  We're still working on getting Tosha to come with him next time.  :)  He and Jeff had big plans to have lots of crazy adventures together, but we slimmed it down to one crazy adventure White Water Rafting (where they got stuck on a rock for twenty minutes - the only two left on the boat) and lots of time with the family.  As much as I wanted to send them off to do awesome things together, I worried that I wouldn't be able to handle things without Jeff's help.  I'm doing so much better than I have been, but I still worry from day to do how I'm going to be.

Jeff, Joe and I all worked from home while the kids were in school and then on Thursday evening we took everyone out to the traditional Seven Bridges tour.  We were expecting lots of fall colors because the leaves around here are all gorgeous right now, but out by the lake it was still nice and green.  The waves on the lake were huge and we found a bear print in the sand.

 

On Saturday we packed in a whole load of fun, starting with Jackson's soccer game.

 Goalie and defense are his favorite positions.  

After soccer we headed downtown to show Joe some of the cool old architecture, visit a sports store and have Indian food. For the afternoon, we decided to head to the Army Lake corn maze.  We had such a fun time there last year, we bought the same groupon again.

A view from the car on our way to the corn maze.

The drought made the corn look just terrible.  It was such a sad sight compared to last year's adventure, but still lots of fun.

On our way home we saw these cranes in a field along the road.

We finished off the night playing mini golf and a round of Spades with Lincoln.  He has been anxiously waiting for Joe's visit so that he could play Spades with him - he's learning quickly!  Joe had a good laugh at all of us for wanting to bid nil so often.  

We loved having Joe come and Harrison keeps asking me where he is even though he's been gone a few days now.  "Uckle Joe wake yet?"