So Close and Yet So Far Away

I have been obsessing about motherhood in my mind. I am reading all I can find (of which there is plenty - especially since mother's day) and trying to figure out where I am. I am feeling a lot of mixed emotions. I don't think I could possibly love my kids any more than I do... but I do feel like I could DO more. I'm just not sure how.

Part of it is that I have this burning desire to find space for myself, to remember the me that once was. I want to do the things that I love. I even want to do the things that I don't love, like hang up all of the clothes on my bedroom chair. I struggle with the fact that as far as I've come, I still can't trust leaving the room where the kids are. Does anyone else feel like somebody falls apart if they try to go to the bathroom or change the laundry over? I feel like we should be big enough for these two minute breaks now, but we don't seem to be there. I want to be close to them... and I want to have time apart where we can both learn and do outside things.

I struggle with my own pride. I want my kids to be a reflection of who I am, and that is not always the case. They are who THEY are. When they are doing wonderful, smart, sweet things I beam and when they are acting rotten I fall apart, thinking... what have I done wrong? Maybe there is some lack of skill on my part in getting every moral message through by the age of 4 and 2. My friend Heather was talking to me about this recently and said that we have to remember that we aren't perfect, we still make mistakes every day... why then, would we expect perfection from our children. That perspective helps me some.

When I was in college I felt like I was a little bit better than any girl who was majoring in "elementary education... 'cause I just want to be a mom." I wanted plenty to be a mom too, but I had my own interests and talents and I loved pursuing them. The time would come when I would inevitable learn about parenthood, for then, it was all about finding what I could become (and all of the people and experiences I could learn from along the way). Now I sort of envy those girls as they are "living their dream." I am living it too, but I have another force inside of me longing to be the woman I was growing to be in college and through my early working years. I had so much confidence in myself as a working woman. I want to be both, and I don't know if I can. I feel like I've put off my own "me" for a while already and I'm aching to be there again. I am also feeling a desire to start all over again being a mom. I'm amazed at how strong these forces are... pulling me in both directions.

I guess I should get back to working on at least one of them.

Garden Pics

I am LOVING my gardens this year. I have always enjoyed having flowers and watching them change and flourish, but this year feels extra special. First off, I don't have a baby in my lap while I'm trying to plant. I still have "helpful" kids, but I don't feel bad lovingly diverting their attention to the sidewalk chalk when they get carried away with the fertilizer pellets. Jackson is obsessed with watering the flowers and is often found sneaking out of the house and heading straight for the hose.

"Wawtar...flow-flow.... me"

I digress. This year I have the kinds of flower beds that I've always wanted, with rich dark soil and curvy polished edges. There are shady areas with hastas already in them and things sprouting up that come as a surprise. I found a grape vine in the backyard and there are strawberries that the kids enjoy each day right in a front flower bed. I'm sharing clippings back and forth with neighbors and my mom has given me some divisions of her daylilies and lambs ear. I actually have time to spend with my greenery and flowers and love being outside with the boys.

My backyard is, well, needing a lot of help, but I see great potential there, especially with some of my new goodies from mom and neighbor. My front yard is beautiful (okay, not the grass, but that will come with time - we have to recover from having no one live here last summer).
I am also including a picture of a garter snake I found this morning while I was reading by the window. I don't really have a fear of snakes, especially not poisonous ones, in fact I believe them to be quite healthy and helpful, so I enoy that this little guy was slithering around in our backyard before anyone else was up.

Empty Nest

We went from this yesterday...
To this today. Bye bye baby birds (ALREADY?) : (

And this.... bye Mimi! (ALREADY?) : (

We've loved having you with us.

Special Visitor!

My dear friend Mimi treated us to a visit this weekend. It has been so wonderful to be with her again and enjoy her wonderful perspective. I love the conversations that we have when we're together. I love laughing with her and the familiarity of just hanging out together.
She is an amazing person and has taught me so much both by word and example. I need her to keep me heading in the right direction - she tells it like it is! : )

We spent our first morning at the zoo. My boys were really lethargic and not quite right, so we ended up spending hours there, but really not seeing much. We just laughed and enjoyed that we could be together. That was the whole plan anyway - so much for also getting to see lots of cool animals. The gorillas did put on quite a show for us. That counts. : ) We had a very lazy afternoon and then enjoyed a temple session in the evening.

Thanks for coming Mimi! We love you.